“You’re such a good person,” and other things not to say to someone who does humanitarian work
I only have a few weeks left at home before my big move, so I’ve been spending as much time as I can with my family, which often includes running errands with my mom around our small town. Whenever we see people we know, they ask what I’m up to these days. I usually tell them that I’m living at home, and I might mention that I’m going to be working on a women’s health project in the fall, but I try not to talk about moving to Cambodia. It’s not that I’m getting nervous (or maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something…) or that I don’t love to talk about Battambang and my future work there (I do!). It’s just that I’ve come to dread the standard responses to my mom’s inevitable boasting, “You’ll never guess where she’s moving! Cambodia!” I know I should be happy for the chance to spread the word about my project, especially for the sake of fundraising, but these comments really get under my skin:
1) “Wow, I can’t believe you’re doing that! You’re such a good person.” Gee, thanks, but no. No, I’m not. Do I believe that women’s health promotion is good and just? Yes. Do I believe that Cambodia, especially Cambodia’s women, need help? Yes. But am I going there primarily for those reasons? No. I love Battambang. I love my friends there, I love my boss there, and I love the kids in my community (and one in particular, who you’ll hear much more about later). I love speaking Khmer, learning about Cambodians’ ways of being in the world, and growing in my spirituality by being exposed to a different religion. I love women, I love talking about sex and vaginas, and I absolutely hate when violence of any kind is used to keep women from fully flourishing. Am I a good person? I’m working on it, but that’s not why I’m moving to Battambang or working in women’s health education – I’m doing it because I love it, simple as that.
2) “Do it now while you’re young! Before you know it, you won’t be able to do stuff like that anymore.” I know that people don’t mean any harm by statements like this, but they make me crazy. There is an underlying assumption here that eventually, I too will settle into suburban life, with all of its unforgiving tentacles of commitment, most often in the form of children and bills. I’d like to have kids someday, but I can’t imagine raising a family in a town similar to where I grew up, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I never owned a home. It’s hard for me to hear this statement as anything but, “It’s so great you’re doing this now, before you become a real adult and have to take actual responsibility.” Again, I’m moving to Cambodia because I love it, not because I want to “do something cool” while I’m still young. This is a step on my life path, not a year or two off before I really settle down.
3) “Don’t you get scared of being raped/kidnapped/killed?” It’s so hard to stay polite when people ask this. One woman even reached into her bag and handed me a rape whistle to keep. I assume that no one needs me to explain why this is offensive?
4) “Are you going to live in a hut?” Ummm, no.
The responses that I appreciate are from people who are genuinely interested in what I am doing and who do not make assumptions about my values based on this decision. Questions about the nature of my work, how I got interested in this type of program, why I chose Cambodia, and what I’m most looking forward to get me excited and engaged.